Hung For The Holidays

by Rachel Lark

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released November 25, 2014



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Rachel Lark San Francisco, California

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Track Name: There's Nothing Sexy About Christmas
Christmas bells are ringing
Stores are having sales
This time of year is always such a joy
Families get together
and Santa never fails
to put a smile on the face of every girl and boy

But my love, I need you to know, just because this is my favorite holiday
Doesn’t mean I like it when you buy me Santa’s little helper lingerie

Well, there’s nothing sexy about Christmas
Leave your Santa fantasies
up there in the chimney please
Well, there’s nothing sexy about Christmas
I don’t mean to yuck your yum
but take that tinsel off your bum

This holiday is nothing but wholesome
So why you gotta turn it into Folsom?
Oh leave my Christmas alone.

I’m a kinky lady
and you’re a kinky guy
and I’m down for almost everything you try.
But everyone thinks that everything you like
should be part of every part of your life

Remember how I explained just because I have a cat
Doesn’t mean I like “cat stuff”
So why assume that because I like spanking
I’d be into wearing jingle bell handcuffs?

Well, there’s nothing sexy about Christmas
You know that I’m GGG but get these snowballs off of me
Hey, there’s nothing sexy about Christmas
It’s my favorite time of year but let’s make one thing crystal clear.

This holiday’s about a virgin,
It’s far too easy a perversion
So leave my Christmas alone.

Kazoo solo

If you really wanna make me happy
Let me out of this sleigh unstrap me
Oh leave my Christmas alone.

I’m not squicked out by holidays per se
It’s just that this one is so pure in every way
The most I wanna do is steal a kiss or two
Beneath the wreath of mistletoe at night

Can’t you see that to me you’re sexy in the way you show how helpful you can be
Maybe when the family’s gone away I’ll pull your sweater off and say “Baby fuck me by the tree”

Fine! There’s something sexy about Christmas
Now that it’s all said and done I’m no longer stressed let’s have some fun
Hey, There’s something sexy about Christmas
While we’re cleaning up tonight won’t you tie me in those Christmas lights

When Holiday plans are haunting being sexy is far too daunting
So if you really want me in that elf outfit, wait ‘til December 26th
Just leave my Christmas alone
Leave my Christmas alone.
Track Name: O, Poly Night
O, Poly Night
The threesome is beginning
It is the night we have planned for some time
Long have we toiled with sexual frustration
For you're kind of a slut
And I am bisexual
A thrill of hope she won't invite more drama
For she seems chill and good with boundaries
Fall on your knees
That line really stands alone
Oh Honey, stop rambling
She's bored. You're going to ruin it.
Oh bring us more wine!
Oh night, O Poly Night!
Track Name: Freddy The Marxist Elf
Freddy The Marxist Elf
He likes to think for himself
He questions the toys on the shelf
He cares for his coworkers’ health

One day the elf proletariat
Will join with Santa’s chariot
And Mrs. Clause
They’ll put the whole operation on pause

It’ll be a Commie Christmas
He knows it’s ambitious
But he believes they’ll get there one day
A Commie Christmas
You won’t wanna miss this

Freddy’s been meeting late
Coalition building with haste
He’s gathered many a complaint
Santa Claus, he ain’t no saint

If all the elves and reindeer
Could confront him and make their demands clear
They’d have to listen
This time there’d be no dismissin’

A commie Christmas
He knows it’s ambitious
But he believes they’ll get there one day
A Commie Christmas
It’s nothing malicious
But the Grinch could for sure collaborate

The free market concept of freedom is mangled
His theory of value is not that newfangled
The snowmen feel used and the reindeer feel strangled
The elves would all strike if they’d just read some Engels
Track Name: The Twelve Fights of Christmas
On the first fight of Christmas my true love looked at me passive aggressively.

On the second fight of Christmas my true love gave to me five cards to sign and a shopping list for our party.

On the third fight of Christmas my true love yelled at me, “You haven’t signed the cards! You bought the wrong nutmeg! I can’t trust you with anything.”

On the fourth fight of Christmas my true love said to me “Let’s not fight anymore.” I said, “Yeah, that sounds great. I hate it when we fight. But I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong.”

On the fifth fight of Christmas my true love said to me “I want a divorce!” I said, “Look you scared the kids. That’s not cool. You do this every year. It’s manipulative and it’s cruel.”

On the sixth fight of Christmas my true love said to me, “I’m rethinking when I said that I want a divorce.” I said, “What else is new? You’re indecisive, but no takesies backsies. I’m calling your bluff this time.”

On the seventh fight of Christmas my true love said to me, “Stop packing your bags. You’re being dramatic.” “No, I want a divorce!” I said, “I’m not your punching bag. You take me for granted and I won’t stand for it. It’s this or it’s therapy.”

On the eighth fight of Christmas my daughter said to me, “Your new apartment blows. Where are your ornaments? Why’d you say to mom, ‘I want a divorce’? I hate my new room. It’s small and so is our tv. And you don’t even have a tree.”

On the ninth fight of Christmas my true love said to me, “You can’t come for Christmas. I would drop the kids off but they say your house smells weird and haven’t they been through enough already since we got a divorce?” I said “Fine, have it your way. Anyway I’m Jewish. I’ll light a menorah on my own for the Holidays.”

On the tenth fight of Christmas my mistress said to me, “Stop calling me your mistress. It’s been over a year. Now things are different and I want a baby. Don’t use your wife as some kind of excuse cause you got a divorce! Are you in or out? Be real with me. I won’t waste my life. If you love me introduce me to your kids.”

On the eleventh fight of Christmas my new love said to me “I think we should have a party with all my friends. You could finally meet them. Gosh, I can’t believe the size of this diamond. Golly, I’m so glad that you got a divorce! Why are you looking at me like that? Come on, don’t be lame. A party would cheer you up.”

On the twelfth fight of Christmas my ex-wife said to me, “Hey, what the fuck!? I thought I’d bring the kids by because for some reason I thought you’d need cheering up but clearly you’ve moved on. Didn’t mean to interrupt such a nice party. I guess we’ll be going.” “Look!” I said, “Don’t go yet. I can explain-” “Oh HI!” said my new love. “You must be Jackie!” “Go inside!” I yelled. “Daddy, who’s that?” “Christ!” I yelled “This really isn’t fair. You said you weren’t coming. You can’t barge in like this and demand explanations. We got a divorce!” “Sorry babe!” I yelled as I slammed the door. “Oh it’s no big deal,” she said passive aggressively.
Track Name: Hanukkah Schmanukkah
Oh Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah come light the menorah,
Let's have a party, we'll all dance the hora,
No one really does that
Look, I don't mean to kvetch,
But this Holiday is lame
and the miracle's a stretch

And while we are playing this game no one really likes
We'll crack lots of jokes, 'cause we're all funny folks,
Yeah the Jews always do it up right, Hey!
We'll crack lots of jokes 'cause we're all funny folks,
Yeah us Jews, we do it up right.
Track Name: Acid & Hot Springs
Some people praise God, go to church and shit
Me, I don't believe a word of it
They look to their book for morality
All's I got is my love of humanity
Plus my

Acid and Hot Springs
It's all I need!
Acid and Hot Springs
Oh yeah!
Acid and Hot Springs

Some go to a church, some to a mosque
Some people go to a synagogue
Me, I like to take the weekend off.
Get into nature with the trees and rocks
and eat some

Acid and Hot Springs
That's all I need!
Acid and Hot Springs
Oh yeah!
Acid and Hot Springs

Some people will judge and say I'm going to hell
But if there's thermal pools below I'll be just swell
I never ever talked to a higher power
But I have been really high in an ice cold shower, it's nice!
So live and let live and go do your thing
I'm expanding my mind and letting freedom ring.
Just 'cause you could be jailed for it don't make it illegitimate.
This is how I celebrate the mystery of the human race
Oh, you haters gonna hate but I still got my

Acid and Hot Springs
That's all I need!
Acid and Hot Springs
It's not that deep!
Acid and Hot Springs