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The Twelve Fights of Christmas

from Hung For The Holidays by Rachel Lark

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lyrics

On the first fight of Christmas my true love looked at me passive aggressively.

On the second fight of Christmas my true love gave to me five cards to sign and a shopping list for our party.

On the third fight of Christmas my true love yelled at me, “You haven’t signed the cards! You bought the wrong nutmeg! I can’t trust you with anything.”

On the fourth fight of Christmas my true love said to me “Let’s not fight anymore.” I said, “Yeah, that sounds great. I hate it when we fight. But I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong.”

On the fifth fight of Christmas my true love said to me “I want a divorce!” I said, “Look you scared the kids. That’s not cool. You do this every year. It’s manipulative and it’s cruel.”

On the sixth fight of Christmas my true love said to me, “I’m rethinking when I said that I want a divorce.” I said, “What else is new? You’re indecisive, but no takesies backsies. I’m calling your bluff this time.”

On the seventh fight of Christmas my true love said to me, “Stop packing your bags. You’re being dramatic.” “No, I want a divorce!” I said, “I’m not your punching bag. You take me for granted and I won’t stand for it. It’s this or it’s therapy.”

On the eighth fight of Christmas my daughter said to me, “Your new apartment blows. Where are your ornaments? Why’d you say to mom, ‘I want a divorce’? I hate my new room. It’s small and so is our tv. And you don’t even have a tree.”

On the ninth fight of Christmas my true love said to me, “You can’t come for Christmas. I would drop the kids off but they say your house smells weird and haven’t they been through enough already since we got a divorce?” I said “Fine, have it your way. Anyway I’m Jewish. I’ll light a menorah on my own for the Holidays.”

On the tenth fight of Christmas my mistress said to me, “Stop calling me your mistress. It’s been over a year. Now things are different and I want a baby. Don’t use your wife as some kind of excuse cause you got a divorce! Are you in or out? Be real with me. I won’t waste my life. If you love me introduce me to your kids.”

On the eleventh fight of Christmas my new love said to me “I think we should have a party with all my friends. You could finally meet them. Gosh, I can’t believe the size of this diamond. Golly, I’m so glad that you got a divorce! Why are you looking at me like that? Come on, don’t be lame. A party would cheer you up.”

On the twelfth fight of Christmas my ex-wife said to me, “Hey, what the fuck!? I thought I’d bring the kids by because for some reason I thought you’d need cheering up but clearly you’ve moved on. Didn’t mean to interrupt such a nice party. I guess we’ll be going.” “Look!” I said, “Don’t go yet. I can explain-” “Oh HI!” said my new love. “You must be Jackie!” “Go inside!” I yelled. “Daddy, who’s that?” “Christ!” I yelled “This really isn’t fair. You said you weren’t coming. You can’t barge in like this and demand explanations. We got a divorce!” “Sorry babe!” I yelled as I slammed the door. “Oh it’s no big deal,” she said passive aggressively.

credits

from Hung For The Holidays, released November 25, 2014
Words by: Rachel Lark
Ukulele and Vocals: Rachel Lark
Mixed and Mastered by Jim Greer at Ninth Street Opus Studios

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Rachel Lark California

💕🔥songwriter and love critic🔥💕
creator of Coming Soon: A New Rock Musical

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