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The Unicorn Song

from Sex and Balances by Rachel Lark

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I’ve been looking all of my life
For that special someone
Who fits just right
I feel I deserve it
I’ve done a lot of therapy
It’s clear as day that this would work for me

I’ve thought it over
I’ve talked it through
I know what I’m looking for
There’s just one thing to do

I’ll tell my wife we need a unicorn
Unicorn unicorn
A unicorn in our lives
To help our sex life survive
It’ll be a dream
For everyone involved
Just us three writhing in a loving ball of kinky sex
That we’ll all be good at just cause there’s more of us it’ll improve
Yeah a writhing sweaty ball of sex that’s hot to look at
No one left out ‘cause we’re all in the groove

I’ve seen it work on tv
I’ve seen it work on tv
Come on baby work for me

So now my wife’s on board, yay
And we’ve got our list
Of rules and attributes and of course her politics

We’ll go to a poly happy hour
On Thursday at four
And once we meet her
We’ll lay down the score

Here it goes
I want a girl who’s attracted to me and my wife
Equally so it works out 50/50 every time
Mentally stable but emotionally available
Good abs and able to fuck us for days

I want a girl who’s a gymnast, why not?
She has her own amazing friends but doesn’t date any of them
She finds our remarks extremely wise
Laughing at our jokes and saying “oh my god, you guys!”

If she volunteers with orphans that’s cool
Pursuing her phd in global finance
Her sweat tastes like rainbows and her nipples are stars
We never have to argue she’s emotionally smart

We want a girl who’s available
Not next wednesday, but the wednesday after from like 2-4:30
And preferably somewhere in the mission, ‘cause that’s where I work but actually if she wanted to just meet me at work we could add like 15 minutes of hangout time just getting to wherever it is we’re going

And when we spring it on her that New Year’s should really be just us
She’ll be like "totally, that's fine thanks for taking care of yourselves"
And when we tell her that we feel that she hasn’t been putting in the work
She’ll be like "totally, you guys are everything to me,
I get that your connection is the focus here so I will do my best to adapt
Just please keep fucking me"
And then we would!

And now we’re seeking
The unicorn of our dreams
But we haven’t really been impressed with what we’ve seen
Just regular people
Everywhere we viewed
And all the poly message boards have frankly been rude

They call us rookies
They call us naive
I think they’re just jealous, they don’t like what they see
They don’t want us to have our
Unicorn unicorn unicorn
A unicorn all our own

They want to hide us from their
Unicorns unicorns unicorns
We want one that we can take home
It’ll be a dream
Stroking her unicorn hair
She’ll stay in the guest room
‘Cause she knows it’s hard to sleep when she’s there
She’ll be the best sex toy, I mean person, that we’ve used
I mean been with, I mean it’ll be great
We can show her off when we’re in the right context
And when we’re not we’ll just have sex and skip the date
I’ve seen it work on tv, I’ve seen it work on tv
Come on baby work for me
And be my unicorn


from Sex and Balances, track released August 26, 2020
Music & Lyrics by Rachel Lark
Mixed & Recorded by Grace Coleman at Zoo Labs 2019
Mastering by Piper Payne
Vocals - Rachel Lark
Backup Vocals - Gabby La La
Drums - Tim DeCillis
Guitar - Ben Misterka
Bass - Paul Sounder
Trumpet & Backup Vocals - Charles Darius
Piano & Backup Vocals - Graham Patzner


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Rachel Lark San Francisco, California

💕🔥songwriter and love critic🔥💕
creator of Coming Soon: A New Rock Musical

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