1. |
You Kinda Hate Girls
04:00
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You say I'm not your type
Well I guess you can't change what you like
But if what you like is what society likes
and society is sick
Then maybe you're a dick
I'm not sure what you mean by "chill"
I party, do drugs, and I'm on the pill
But I've been noticing that you're kinda preferential
for the meek and the skinny and the deferential
Hey, your liberal arts degree
ain't reflected in your browser history
Hey you, "cultured guy"
You like it when they listen, not when they reply
Hey you, I'm not crazy
You just kinda hate girls, a little
Spittin' on your hand is not foreplay
I guess no one told you we get wet another way
I get that you're deterred by my pussy being hairy
But I went through puberty and lookin' 12 is kinda scary
You say it is the condom, but it is my self-esteem
My eagerness for sex, and my demands for clarity
Whatever it is that's killing your boner
Just eat my fuckin' pussy you misogynistic stoner
Hey, your liberal arts degree
ain't reflected in your browser history
Hey you, "cultured guy"
You like it when they listen, not when they reply
Hey you, I'm not crazy
You just kinda hate girls, a little
Yeah, you think abortions are great and you'd even pay for half
And you won't be intimidated when a woman buys your gas
But think about what you're perpetuating
When you say I'm not right for actual dating
You've left me with a very awkward choice
I can only shine so bright if I want a boy!
Hey, your liberal arts degree
ain't reflected in your browser history
Hey you, "cultured guy"
You like it when they listen, not when they reply
Hey you, I'm not crazy
You just kinda hate girls, a little
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2. |
Surprise
05:38
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I met a guy
He was good lookin' as can be
He said "Hi!"
I said, "What? Oh, are you talking to me?"
He said, "Yeah. I like your hair. Say, does it curl the same down there?"
I said, "Whoa! That's kinda fast for me, but go ahead and won't you see if our tongues agree..."
And I was in heaven. It was like a Hollywood film.
And we were electric. I gave in to my weak will.
And he threw his clothes on the bed, and I could see that his dick was the size of my head.
And my eyes grew wide as he grabbed my thighs and I let out a sigh as he eased inside.
And I realized, this is one of the many things they don't teach you in health class
They don't tell you that a penis that size could hurt you if you go too fast.
But why would they?
They don't tell you shit.
Like they don't tell you that an IUD is gonna poke the penis of the guy you're screwin'
And they don't tell you that HPV is just expected with the sexual acts you're doin'
And they don't tell you that when you ovulate
there are these cysts that develop that you can irritate
and then SURPRISE!
Sometimes he'll bust a nut, and he'll bust yours too
I tried to be cool. I figured big dicks just feel this way.
But I couldn't fool him. He stopped and said, "What's going on? Are you ok?"
I said, "No. I'm not sure what's up." I left the room. I grabbed my phone and looked the symptoms up. Sharp pain on the right of my abdomen. Appendicitis was inside of us, lovemakin'.
So I freaked out. Kicked the hottie out of my apartment.
I let out a shout. My roommate heard and said, "What's up, darlin'?"
I said, "I don't know! My stomach hurts! Either god hates girls or my appendix burst!" And she rushed me off to the hospital. I wasn't thinkin' that this guy was responsible.
The doctor asked, "Why do you think that your appendix burst?"
I said, "Because it hurts there, asshole. And webMD gave me the red alert."
He said, "No it's just a ruptured cyst on your ovary, so won't you go ahead home, Miss."
I said, "Wait! Was it because this guy's dick was so huge? I need to know for the future. Should I dodge the splooge of gigantic, gorgeous penises attached to really cute guys? It's kinda bleak, but maybe there's another way, like some new technique I could try?"
But he wouldn't tell me
'Cause they don't tell you shit.
Like they don't tell you that an out of network ER visit will cost you $5,000.
And they don't tell you why you're still in pain even though it's been six or seven hours.
And they don't tell you that when you ovulate there are these fucking cysts that develop that you could irritate and then SURPRISE!
Sometimes he'll bust a nut, and he'll bust yours too.
So now I know, and I have hormonal birth control.
And that means no annoying cysts, so I relax when I make love.
But I'm still not exactly sure, was it bad luck or was the fuckin' what got me hurt?
And since no one takes my question seriously I'm afraid of a guy with a big willie.
'Cause they don't tell you that an IUD is gonna poke the penis of the guy you're screwin'
And they don't tell you that HPV is just expected with the sexual acts you're doin'
And they don't tell you that when you ovulate
there are these cysts that develop that you can irritate
and then SURPRISE!
Sometimes he'll bust a nut, and he'll bust yours too
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3. |
Uncharted Territory
04:34
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Some shit went down last night
Yeah it's kind of intense
My best friend and roommate
became my best friend with benefits
What do you call that?
When the person with whom you share your life
might now also share your bed, maybe every other night
Well you told me you loved me when we were best friends
But now that we're bangin' it kinda depends
Uncharted Territory
Well you told me you loved me when we were best friends
but now that we're bangin' it kinda depends
Uncharted Territory
Are you afraid we might like it now?
You know me better than anyone
And we already have a lot of fun
But now we can hurt each other
And I'll never have another you
I'll always have another lover
Fuck! I'm fucking my best friend
What did we do that night?
That shit was clearly a mistake
We just got too relaxed and started drinking wine too late
But we do that all the time
And we've been doing it for years
Could it be that we've been blind to something that's always been here?
It's hard to imagine what this even means
You see we've already met the parents and we share our bills
And we split our groceries
Where's the playbook when we're already domestic
And how do I go back now that I know you got the best dick, oh shit!
Oh no, it's happening again
We'll figure it out tomorrow baby just give in
Well I told you I loved you when we were best friends but now that we're bangin' it kinda depends
Uncharted Territory
Well I told you I loved you when we were best friends but now that we're bangin' it kinda depends
Uncharted Territory
Well we used to say I love all the time
But now we're scared to look into each other's eyes
Now I love you feels intense to say
But we don't really know another way to express the fear in my heart
That what pulled us together might tear us apart
Fuck! I'm fucking my best friend
Did we even consider that this could be fun?
You know me, I'm not one to run from a good time
We know all the land mines
We're not each other's type
But we'll settle for a soft rhyme
It's weird because we met when we were 18.
But if we saw each other on a dating app screen
We would swipe that shit right
And we'd go out tonight
So I think that it's worth it let's give it a try
Well we seem to love each other a lot
And if you ask me I'd say that's a good start
Uncharted territory
Well we seem to love each other a lot
And if you ask me I'd say that's a good start
Uncharted territory
Well I think we might like it now
Fuck yeah! I'm fuckin' my best friend
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4. |
Gift of the Good
03:37
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Come a little closer let me look at your eyes
Might be familiar and it might be a surprise
You got a thing for me
I got a thing for you too
Don't let this slip by, we both know what to do
See I just want you to fulfill every single need that I have
Make me feel better whenever I'm feeling sad
Renew my faith that really this life ain't so bad
You give me the gift of the good when you kiss me like that
I can feel it all over
Every word every line every breath every tone
Every hum every stretch every sigh every moan
Sends a message to you
Oh baby, I'm trying to break through
You won't believe it 'til you see it
Come check out what I do
See I just want you to fulfill every single need that I have
Make me feel better whenever I'm feeling sad
Renew my faith that really this life ain't so bad
You give me the gift of the good when you kiss me like that
I can feel it all over
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5. |
So Cold
04:13
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The ghosts that rest on my spine
Weighing more than the sand bags of time
Grip so tight, I can hardly breathe
Breathe so cold I think I might freeze
So cold
so comes the rain, washing out my tattered mane
So cold
relieves the pain shooting down my side
So cold
can't feel a thing, Never knew that anything was
So cold
as that look you gave me when you died
Nothing stings like the truth
Nothing burns like the coldness of you
Nothing tastes like this air you don't breathe
Nothing sounds like this room you won't leave
So cold
so comes the rain, washing out my tattered mane
So cold
relieves the pain shooting down my side
So cold
can't feel a thing, Never knew that anything was
So cold
as that look you gave me when you died
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6. |
Jammin' in C
04:21
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Why does your tragedy appeal to me?
I'm not guilty anymore
Am I longing for a land I'm not from, but visited when I was young?
You say we mirror one another
But when I look at you, I see myself in pain
'Cause it felt like jammin' in C
For a few hours, just jammin' in C
It was easy, you and me.
For a few hours, just jammin' in C
Lately I've given up wanting things from love
I just accept it as a thing I've got to rise above
So don't you ever say we know anything at all
I'll be the first to admit I'm the biggest sucker of them all
Yeah, there's no such thing as wrong decisions
There's just what you want
And right now I want you to be less broken and in California
'Cause it felt like jammin' in C
For a few hours, just jammin' in C
It was easy, you and me.
For a few hours there, just jammin' in C
'Cause it felt like jammin' in C
For a few hours, just jammin' in C
Yeah, I got you and you got me
We were jammin' in C
jammin' in C
Jammin' in C
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7. |
Shut Up & Hit Me
04:41
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I've got a lot of fear inside
I get upset and full of pride
I know you've got things to say
That could make the pain go away
But baby, that won't do
I don't want soothing, I wanna feel this feeling through
Spare your advice for me
I don't want no remedy
There's comfort in your certainty so don't wait anymore
Shut up and hit me
I have wounds that feel exactly right
and I have dreams that keep me up at night
I have screams that shatter anything polite
and I have faults that challenge this to be alright
But baby, let it out
I don't want kindness. I wanna freak the neighbors out.
Spare your advice for me
I don't want no remedy
There's comfort in your certainty so don't wait anymore
Shut up and hit me
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8. |
For The Guys
09:56
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It's confusing being a boy
Wanting to fuck everything in sight
Sometimes it's an inner fight
Yeah some girls
They'll play with my head
They'll say they want in one minute then change their minds when they're already in bed
It's not fair, no really it's such a tease
These girls need to learn to clearly express their wants and needs
They change their minds so how's a guy to know
is she playing games or does "No" really mean No?
Well...
If you're not sure it's not rape, don't do it!
If it feels a little bit rapey just don't do it!
Yeah if you're not sure that it ain't, then leave your dick right next to your taint yeah if you're not sure it's not rape then just don't do it!
It's confusing being a bro!
Girls can fuck whoever they want. They really run the show.
They lead us on, and accept our drinks!
Yeah, they're asking for it, then they act surprised! It happens more than you think!
It's not fair!
No really, it's such a tease
These girls need to learn to clearly express their wants and needs
so hold a workshop! Teach these girls right now how to say no, 'cause clearly they don't know how!
Well...
If you're not sure it's not rape, don't do it!
If it feels a little bit rapey just don't do it!
Yeah if you're not sure that it ain't, then leave your dick right next to your taint yeah if you're not sure it's not rape then just don't do it!
If you're thinking that you wanna fuck someone
I ain't trying to ruin your fun
All that you gotta do
Is make sure they wanna fuck you back
Yeah, make sure they wanna fuck you back
Yeah, make damn motherfucking sure they wanna fuck you back
Oh yeah you're looking for that eye contact
And that deliberate touch that wants you to touch back
Those sighs of pleasure, ooh the release of tension
Because you see it's very important for me to mention
that some women have internalized their sexual objectification
Which can sometimes lead to some bodily alienation
And add to that the likelihood of trauma (about 1 in 3)
And you've got yourself what I would call a perfect recipe
for some fear and confusion greetin' you in that bad
Suddenly you're an intrusion in their body and in their head
A freeze response is just one reason that women might not say "no"
So before you penetrate somebody else you should make sure fo sho
Yeah the rules are very simple
And this is how you play
Don't fuck someone who ain't on board 100% of the way
Now boys I know that things can be real hard for you too.
Women lead you on sometimes, yes it's true.
And being disappointed is never any fun.
And sortin' these things out is easier said than done.
Well I'm not trying to belittle it.
Here's your small violin you can fiddle it.
It's just fucking consent, so deal with it!
Lesson 2 will be how to find the clit
I'm sick and tired of having this basic conversation,
but women are still being forced into sex all over the whole nation.
And I'm tired, so tired.
When will it end?
Maybe they just don't see these wounds that won't mend.
What will it take?
To get this to change?
I bare my soul and tell my story every fuckin' day.
"No means no" is simple enough
but "Yes means yes" is what we need more of
Well if you're not sure it's not rape, don't do it!
If it seems a little bit rapey, just don't do it!
If you're not sure that it ain't, leave your dick right next to your taint.
Yeah if that girl is underage, leave your dick right next to your taint.
Yeah if she's asleep on the couch, leave your dick right next to your taint.
Yeah if she’s had six or seven beers, leave your dick right next to your taint.
Yeah, if you're not sure if it's rape then just don't do it!
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9. |
On Our Own
04:26
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Well the box is out of tissues and the sky is out of stars
And my journal’s out of pages and my body’s out of scars
And I’m out of things to say to you and I’m out of ways to feel
I’m out of things to do and I’m out of hearts to steal
So I’ll just pretend I’m not alone
I’ll just pretend I’m not out here on my own
Well the night has fallen softly and the fog has settled in
And I’ve crossed out every god damn item on my to-do list
So there’s nothing left to do but have a seat and sit
And try and try to feel like a part of it
Let’s just pretend we’re not alone
Let’s just pretend we’re not out here on our own
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10. |
Yay for Nick
03:49
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This song is just more self-absorbed, self-referential bullshit
That I wrote to prove how much I care
This ain't about you, it's about how I need you
to talk to about my day
This ain't about you, it's about how I miss you
Whenever you're away
This ain't about you, it's about how you sum up so much in everything you say
This ain't about you, it's about me not blowing it on your birthday
Hey Nick, I'd love to write a song about you
but I can't deny
This is all about me and how much I fucking need you
to never die
Don't matter what bottle we're sippin'
You get me sober and you get me trippin'
Yay for Nick! Never die!
This ain't about you yellin' at me in the SU, saying I should play American Pie
If it were, I would have done that by now
Fuck it, here I'll try...
Hey Nick, I'd love to finish that song but I've got more to say
I depend on you and derive a lot of value from your presence in my day
I wouldn't be me if it weren't for you
That's not an overstatement, it's fucking true
Yay for Nick! Never die!
This ain't about you or cookies or penguins or 2CB
Or parties or Zeppelin
Don't you get it? This is all about me!
It's about how I love you so much it feels like a gift
It's not even my birthday, it's yours, but fuck it
You'll probably forgive and forget
Hey Nick, I kinda wrote a song about you and I hope you know
I'll always be there no matter what happens or where we go
Don't matter if it's you or me slippin'
One of us will help the other
We're very uplifting
Yay for Nick! Never die!
Yay for Nick! Never die!
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11. |
Fuck 69
03:57
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Love of mine
I think it's time
We've been comfortable for quite some time
Now you is fine
And I don't whine
But hittin' the sack can often lack an element of surprise
My self-help books and Oprah too
Say I should be making better love to you
My women's groups and my guru
Talk about the levels we could get into
I'm sick of making love the way that we made babies
Don't be lazy
Let's get crazy!
Oooooh, let's try 69
Now I lie down, no wait
You lie down, hang on
Where are my feet supposed to go?
I'm up against the wall
Ok, then you scoot down
And I sit down
Ow! Why'd you bite me?
What the fuck!?
I"m doing this for you, I hope you know
Not every woman would expose herself so
Are we doing it yet? Did it start?
Honestly I'm kinda scared that I might fart
Where's your hard on?
Where'd it go?
Geez, what the hell am I supposed to blow?
Ooooh, let's try 69!
Is this how it's supposed to feel?
Honestly I'm insecure and mad
Maybe I don't need nothing new
You like fucking me, and I like fucking you
It's such a tease, my clit's turned purple
No one's satisfied in a massage circle
No one can relax
I just want your dick inside me and your eyes on mine
Just like every lay we've had
Fuck 69!
Now fuck me hard, and fuck me deep
Grab my ass and then give my tits a squeeze
Kiss me deeply
Pull my hair
I won't cum 'til you do babe,
Hey, it's only fair
Now honestly you just can't beat
banging 'til you're cummin' simultaneously
Belly to belly and face to face
Dick to pussy everything in its place
Missionary always does the trick
I'm a vanilla chick who likes fuckin' dick
Ooooh, fuck 69!
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12. |
Sister Flora's Anthem
03:33
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All of my life I’ve been searching for a path that allows me to be
Having a shit ton of fun while disrupting the patriarchy
And last night I heard a story that made my cisgendered heart pound
and wish that I had a magnificent cock
instead of a furry mound
I wanna be a gay man
on the west coast
I can honestly say it would be better that way for most
So let’s all be gay men
on the west coast
Having orgies together in the nice, warm weather
with the fanciest leather
Sister Flora will be our host
I wanna be slutty like it’s political
and funny like it’s my job
I wanna be bangin’ nice young men with good hygiene
instead of some bro-y slob
I wanna be hungry for dick and say so
and make everyone laugh with delight
I wanna be sexy as hell
and horny as well
and quenching my appetite
I wanna be a gay man
on the west coast
I can honestly say it would be better that way for most
So let’s all be gay men
on the west coast
Having orgies together in the nice, warm weather
with the fanciest leather
Sister Flora will be our host
I wanna be normal for having orgies
and radical for having kids
I wanna be edgy for wearing makeup and sporting massive, gorgeous tits
I wanna be tough and strong
as fake nails are long
and militantly fun
I want to avoid the fate of the boring and straight
and I bet I’m not the only one who wants to be a
gay man
on the west coast
I can honestly say it would be better that way for most
So let’s all be gay men
on the west coast
Having orgies together in the nice, warm weather
with the fanciest leather
Sister Flora will be our host
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13. |
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You squeeze
into your jeans
Kiss me on the cheek as you leave
It's always fun, til it's all done
And I still feel like I want something more
I want something deep
I want something nobody else ever sees
I want to touch you there
And I really don't mind the hair
You only live once so let me lick your asshole
I know it's scary
and sometimes hairy
But I want to know you, Jerry
For what are we waiting?
Why bother dating?
You only live once so let's stop hesitating
I get that you fear it might make you queer
But wouldn't that news be useful to hear?
C'mon lemme see 'em!
Your cheeks and your perineum
That cute little starfish, your scrotum and lingam,
Give it a wash, rinse and repeat
An enema is better than the risk of disease (that's true)
Now you're feeling hot
So fresh and so clean
Give me a taste of those fresh salad greens!
You only live once so let me lick your asshole
Just 'cause you're straight
Don't mean you got no prostate
Babe that wasn't no mistake when I slipped onto your taint
Let me in!
It ain't no sin!
Yeah, that freaky little pink
I wanna get kinky in the stink
Don't bother trimmin'
Don't mind the linens
I'll be winnin'
I'm gonna be rimmin' YOUUUUUUUU!
You only live once so let me lick your asshole
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14. |
Broke Your Voice
04:59
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There's no package
There's no case
There's no cleaning cloth
For the microphone of misery, the megaphone of thought
It's finicky as can be
Its parts can't be replaced
It's custom-made, and always played
And hard to simulate
This delicate machinery
You can't leave it behind
No you must take it everywhere
And use it all the time
But this time you did it
for sure just admit it
You finally broke your voice
You finally broke your voice
You finally broke your voice
Well you tried and tried
but you failed and failed
and you finally broke your voice
Sometimes things go left unsaid
But usually they don't
No usually this instrument of yours will go for broke
'Cause anger hates to be silenced
and contentment could hardly care less
Yeah they say to relax and to take deep breaths
But the music erupts in my chest
And you know it's better
to build from the bottom up
and take it slow, and learn to float
before you're in charge of the boat
But this time you did it
for sure just admit it
You finally broke your voice
You finally broke your voice
You finally broke your voice
Well you tried and tried
but you failed and failed
and you finally broke your voice
Yeah your shit don't work
and you'll have to give up
this silly fuckin' cherade
Yeah, who's special now, little girl?
Good luck. Your youth is starting to fade
Back when you could not shut up
You should have held your tongue
You should have done less drugs
and gone to school for writing songs
But this time you did it
for sure just admit it
You finally broke your voice
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15. |
Acid & Hot Springs
03:34
|
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|
Some people praise God, go to church and shit
Me, I don't believe a word of it
They look to their book for morality
All's I got is my love of humanity
Plus my
Acid and Hot Springs
It's all I need!
Acid and Hot Springs
Oh yeah!
Acid and Hot Springs
Some go to a church, some to a mosque
Some people go to a synagogue
Me, I like to take the weekend off.
Get into nature with the trees and rocks
and eat some
Acid and Hot Springs
That's all I need!
Acid and Hot Springs
Oh yeah!
Acid and Hot Springs
Some people will judge and say I'm going to hell
But if there's thermal pools below I'll be just swell
I never ever talked to a higher power
But I have been really high in an ice cold shower, it's nice!
So live and let live and go do your thing
I'm expanding my mind and letting freedom ring.
Just 'cause you could be jailed for it don't make it illegitimate.
This is how I celebrate the mystery of the human race
Oh, you haters gonna hate but I still got my
Acid and Hot Springs
That's all I need!
Acid and Hot Springs
It's not that deep!
Acid and Hot Springs
|
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16. |
Bless This Mess
05:05
|
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|
No one did the dishes
It's been a week, that's disgraceful
The faucet was dripping
That's terribly wasteful
There's coffee mugs sticky with liquor and wine
And it's likely the plant in the bathroom has died
I'm ashamed of the state of our house, that's no lie
But I'm also ashamed of the ways that I try
to act like a grown up, when clearly I'm not
So for now I'll give up and just smoke some more pot
and say
Bless this mess that we live in
Oh, bless this mess that we live in
All this shit we don't fix, 'cause we're still 26
And the age when we call ourselves grown ups just keeps getting
older and older
older and older
There's clusters of rainbows
from the prism in the window
on the gold sheets on the futon
and the bunny-shaped pillow
and the plants that aren't dead yet
and that table we like
and the bong that's not broken
and our LED lights
and I gotta say I'm proud
when I bask in the echoes
of laughter and good points
and people who let go
and exquisite taste and a vibe that's sublime
but sometimes I worry we're wasting our time
But bless this mess that we live in
Oh, bless this mess that we live in
I just don't wanna clean
and I'm not in my teens
But the age when we call ourselves grown ups just keeps getting
older and older
older and older
Well I'm scared and inspired and crazy and tired
and the clock just keeps ticking and the arrows keep missing
and I'm worried I'll waste everything I've been given
and someone will find out and tell me it's time to get
older and older
older and older
But now I've cleaned up
and the apartment is back
and I even unloaded the dish drying rack
and today I'll make spreadsheets
and I'll pay all my bills
and I'll buy a new toothbrush and vitamin pills
and everyone will see, I'm together as can be
And I'll laugh off my worries, compassionately
But I'm still never sure if I'm doing it right
So for now I'll give up and just do drugs all night
And say bless this mess that we live in
Oh, bless this mess that we live in
All this shit we don't fix 'cause we're....
not 26 anymore but
The age when we call ourselves grown ups just keeps getting older
|
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Rachel Lark San Francisco, California
💕🔥songwriter and love critic🔥💕
creator of Coming Soon: A New Rock Musical
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Robins decided to release the recording of his 2016 comedy tour during the Covid-19 shutdown at the behest of fans.
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Taylor Ham, Egg, And Cheese
by Chris Gethard
Comedian Chris Gethard’s hilarious new surprise album is devoted to the great state of New Jersey, and the great state of New Jersey alone.
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In A Time Of Trouble A Wild Exultation
by Jaye Bartell
A stunning and sparse follow-up to last year's "Light Enough" from Brooklyn songwriter Jaye Bartell.
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Just Putting It Out There
by Aparna Nancherla
This dry, wry, gently absurdist comedian's first album is the inaugural release for Tig Notaro's new label, Bentzen Ball Records.
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Mainstream American Comic
by Hari Kondabolu
Pre-order the latest hilarious musings of this Brooklyn Comic from Kill Rock Stars.
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