1. |
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Christmas bells are ringing
Stores are having sales
This time of year is always such a joy
Families get together
and Santa never fails
to put a smile on the face of every girl and boy
But my love, I need you to know, just because this is my favorite holiday
Doesnât mean I like it when you buy me Santaâs little helper lingerie
Well, thereâs nothing sexy about Christmas
Leave your Santa fantasies
up there in the chimney please
Well, thereâs nothing sexy about Christmas
I donât mean to yuck your yum
but take that tinsel off your bum
This holiday is nothing but wholesome
So why you gotta turn it into Folsom?
Oh leave my Christmas alone.
Iâm a kinky lady
and youâre a kinky guy
and Iâm down for almost everything you try.
But everyone thinks that everything you like
should be part of every part of your life
Remember how I explained just because I have a cat
Doesnât mean I like âcat stuffâ
So why assume that because I like spanking
Iâd be into wearing jingle bell handcuffs?
Well, thereâs nothing sexy about Christmas
You know that Iâm GGG but get these snowballs off of me
Hey, thereâs nothing sexy about Christmas
Itâs my favorite time of year but letâs make one thing crystal clear.
This holidayâs about a virgin,
Itâs far too easy a perversion
So leave my Christmas alone.
Kazoo solo
If you really wanna make me happy
Let me out of this sleigh unstrap me
Oh leave my Christmas alone.
Iâm not squicked out by holidays per se
Itâs just that this one is so pure in every way
The most I wanna do is steal a kiss or two
Beneath the wreath of mistletoe at night
Canât you see that to me youâre sexy in the way you show how helpful you can be
Maybe when the familyâs gone away Iâll pull your sweater off and say âBaby fuck me by the treeâ
Fine! Thereâs something sexy about Christmas
Now that itâs all said and done Iâm no longer stressed letâs have some fun
Hey, Thereâs something sexy about Christmas
While weâre cleaning up tonight wonât you tie me in those Christmas lights
When Holiday plans are haunting being sexy is far too daunting
So if you really want me in that elf outfit, wait âtil December 26th
Just leave my Christmas alone
Leave my Christmas alone.
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2. |
O, Poly Night
01:28
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O, Poly Night
The threesome is beginning
It is the night we have planned for some time
Long have we toiled with sexual frustration
For you're kind of a slut
And I am bisexual
A thrill of hope she won't invite more drama
For she seems chill and good with boundaries
Fall on your knees
That line really stands alone
Oh Honey, stop rambling
She's bored. You're going to ruin it.
Oh bring us more wine!
Oh night, O Poly Night!
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3. |
Santa Baby
03:02
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4. |
Freddy The Marxist Elf
03:45
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Freddy The Marxist Elf
He likes to think for himself
He questions the toys on the shelf
He cares for his coworkersâ health
One day the elf proletariat
Will join with Santaâs chariot
And Mrs. Clause
Theyâll put the whole operation on pause
Itâll be a Commie Christmas
He knows itâs ambitious
But he believes theyâll get there one day
A Commie Christmas
You wonât wanna miss this
Freddyâs been meeting late
Coalition building with haste
Heâs gathered many a complaint
Santa Claus, he ainât no saint
If all the elves and reindeer
Could confront him and make their demands clear
Theyâd have to listen
This time thereâd be no dismissinâ
A commie Christmas
He knows itâs ambitious
But he believes theyâll get there one day
A Commie Christmas
Itâs nothing malicious
But the Grinch could for sure collaborate
The free market concept of freedom is mangled
His theory of value is not that newfangled
The snowmen feel used and the reindeer feel strangled
The elves would all strike if theyâd just read some Engels
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5. |
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On the first fight of Christmas my true love looked at me passive aggressively.
On the second fight of Christmas my true love gave to me five cards to sign and a shopping list for our party.
On the third fight of Christmas my true love yelled at me, âYou havenât signed the cards! You bought the wrong nutmeg! I canât trust you with anything.â
On the fourth fight of Christmas my true love said to me âLetâs not fight anymore.â I said, âYeah, that sounds great. I hate it when we fight. But I donât think Iâve done anything wrong.â
On the fifth fight of Christmas my true love said to me âI want a divorce!â I said, âLook you scared the kids. Thatâs not cool. You do this every year. Itâs manipulative and itâs cruel.â
On the sixth fight of Christmas my true love said to me, âIâm rethinking when I said that I want a divorce.â I said, âWhat else is new? Youâre indecisive, but no takesies backsies. Iâm calling your bluff this time.â
On the seventh fight of Christmas my true love said to me, âStop packing your bags. Youâre being dramatic.â âNo, I want a divorce!â I said, âIâm not your punching bag. You take me for granted and I wonât stand for it. Itâs this or itâs therapy.â
On the eighth fight of Christmas my daughter said to me, âYour new apartment blows. Where are your ornaments? Whyâd you say to mom, âI want a divorceâ? I hate my new room. Itâs small and so is our tv. And you donât even have a tree.â
On the ninth fight of Christmas my true love said to me, âYou canât come for Christmas. I would drop the kids off but they say your house smells weird and havenât they been through enough already since we got a divorce?â I said âFine, have it your way. Anyway Iâm Jewish. Iâll light a menorah on my own for the Holidays.â
On the tenth fight of Christmas my mistress said to me, âStop calling me your mistress. Itâs been over a year. Now things are different and I want a baby. Donât use your wife as some kind of excuse cause you got a divorce! Are you in or out? Be real with me. I wonât waste my life. If you love me introduce me to your kids.â
On the eleventh fight of Christmas my new love said to me âI think we should have a party with all my friends. You could finally meet them. Gosh, I canât believe the size of this diamond. Golly, Iâm so glad that you got a divorce! Why are you looking at me like that? Come on, donât be lame. A party would cheer you up.â
On the twelfth fight of Christmas my ex-wife said to me, âHey, what the fuck!? I thought Iâd bring the kids by because for some reason I thought youâd need cheering up but clearly youâve moved on. Didnât mean to interrupt such a nice party. I guess weâll be going.â âLook!â I said, âDonât go yet. I can explain-â âOh HI!â said my new love. âYou must be Jackie!â âGo inside!â I yelled. âDaddy, whoâs that?â âChrist!â I yelled âThis really isnât fair. You said you werenât coming. You canât barge in like this and demand explanations. We got a divorce!â âSorry babe!â I yelled as I slammed the door. âOh itâs no big deal,â she said passive aggressively.
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6. |
Hanukkah Schmanukkah
01:00
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Oh Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah come light the menorah,
Let's have a party, we'll all dance the hora,
No one really does that
Look, I don't mean to kvetch,
But this Holiday is lame
and the miracle's a stretch
And while we are playing this game no one really likes
We'll crack lots of jokes, 'cause we're all funny folks,
Yeah the Jews always do it up right, Hey!
We'll crack lots of jokes 'cause we're all funny folks,
Yeah us Jews, we do it up right.
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7. |
Acid & Hot Springs
02:20
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Some people praise God, go to church and shit
Me, I don't believe a word of it
They look to their book for morality
All's I got is my love of humanity
Plus my
Acid and Hot Springs
It's all I need!
Acid and Hot Springs
Oh yeah!
Acid and Hot Springs
Some go to a church, some to a mosque
Some people go to a synagogue
Me, I like to take the weekend off.
Get into nature with the trees and rocks
and eat some
Acid and Hot Springs
That's all I need!
Acid and Hot Springs
Oh yeah!
Acid and Hot Springs
Some people will judge and say I'm going to hell
But if there's thermal pools below I'll be just swell
I never ever talked to a higher power
But I have been really high in an ice cold shower, it's nice!
So live and let live and go do your thing
I'm expanding my mind and letting freedom ring.
Just 'cause you could be jailed for it don't make it illegitimate.
This is how I celebrate the mystery of the human race
Oh, you haters gonna hate but I still got my
Acid and Hot Springs
That's all I need!
Acid and Hot Springs
It's not that deep!
Acid and Hot Springs
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Rachel Lark San Francisco, California
đđ„songwriter and love criticđ„đ
creator of Coming Soon: A New Rock Musical
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