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Hung For The Holidays

by Rachel Lark

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1.
Christmas bells are ringing Stores are having sales This time of year is always such a joy Families get together and Santa never fails to put a smile on the face of every girl and boy But my love, I need you to know, just because this is my favorite holiday Doesn’t mean I like it when you buy me Santa’s little helper lingerie Well, there’s nothing sexy about Christmas Leave your Santa fantasies up there in the chimney please Well, there’s nothing sexy about Christmas I don’t mean to yuck your yum but take that tinsel off your bum This holiday is nothing but wholesome So why you gotta turn it into Folsom? Oh leave my Christmas alone. I’m a kinky lady and you’re a kinky guy and I’m down for almost everything you try. But everyone thinks that everything you like should be part of every part of your life Remember how I explained just because I have a cat Doesn’t mean I like “cat stuff” So why assume that because I like spanking I’d be into wearing jingle bell handcuffs? Well, there’s nothing sexy about Christmas You know that I’m GGG but get these snowballs off of me Hey, there’s nothing sexy about Christmas It’s my favorite time of year but let’s make one thing crystal clear. This holiday’s about a virgin, It’s far too easy a perversion So leave my Christmas alone. Kazoo solo If you really wanna make me happy Let me out of this sleigh unstrap me Oh leave my Christmas alone. I’m not squicked out by holidays per se It’s just that this one is so pure in every way The most I wanna do is steal a kiss or two Beneath the wreath of mistletoe at night Can’t you see that to me you’re sexy in the way you show how helpful you can be Maybe when the family’s gone away I’ll pull your sweater off and say “Baby fuck me by the tree” Fine! There’s something sexy about Christmas Now that it’s all said and done I’m no longer stressed let’s have some fun Hey, There’s something sexy about Christmas While we’re cleaning up tonight won’t you tie me in those Christmas lights When Holiday plans are haunting being sexy is far too daunting So if you really want me in that elf outfit, wait ‘til December 26th Just leave my Christmas alone Leave my Christmas alone.
2.
O, Poly Night The threesome is beginning It is the night we have planned for some time Long have we toiled with sexual frustration For you're kind of a slut And I am bisexual A thrill of hope she won't invite more drama For she seems chill and good with boundaries Fall on your knees That line really stands alone Oh Honey, stop rambling She's bored. You're going to ruin it. Oh bring us more wine! Oh night, O Poly Night!
3.
Santa Baby 03:02
4.
Freddy The Marxist Elf He likes to think for himself He questions the toys on the shelf He cares for his coworkers’ health One day the elf proletariat Will join with Santa’s chariot And Mrs. Clause They’ll put the whole operation on pause It’ll be a Commie Christmas He knows it’s ambitious But he believes they’ll get there one day A Commie Christmas You won’t wanna miss this Freddy’s been meeting late Coalition building with haste He’s gathered many a complaint Santa Claus, he ain’t no saint If all the elves and reindeer Could confront him and make their demands clear They’d have to listen This time there’d be no dismissin’ A commie Christmas He knows it’s ambitious But he believes they’ll get there one day A Commie Christmas It’s nothing malicious But the Grinch could for sure collaborate The free market concept of freedom is mangled His theory of value is not that newfangled The snowmen feel used and the reindeer feel strangled The elves would all strike if they’d just read some Engels
5.
On the first fight of Christmas my true love looked at me passive aggressively. On the second fight of Christmas my true love gave to me five cards to sign and a shopping list for our party. On the third fight of Christmas my true love yelled at me, “You haven’t signed the cards! You bought the wrong nutmeg! I can’t trust you with anything.” On the fourth fight of Christmas my true love said to me “Let’s not fight anymore.” I said, “Yeah, that sounds great. I hate it when we fight. But I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong.” On the fifth fight of Christmas my true love said to me “I want a divorce!” I said, “Look you scared the kids. That’s not cool. You do this every year. It’s manipulative and it’s cruel.” On the sixth fight of Christmas my true love said to me, “I’m rethinking when I said that I want a divorce.” I said, “What else is new? You’re indecisive, but no takesies backsies. I’m calling your bluff this time.” On the seventh fight of Christmas my true love said to me, “Stop packing your bags. You’re being dramatic.” “No, I want a divorce!” I said, “I’m not your punching bag. You take me for granted and I won’t stand for it. It’s this or it’s therapy.” On the eighth fight of Christmas my daughter said to me, “Your new apartment blows. Where are your ornaments? Why’d you say to mom, ‘I want a divorce’? I hate my new room. It’s small and so is our tv. And you don’t even have a tree.” On the ninth fight of Christmas my true love said to me, “You can’t come for Christmas. I would drop the kids off but they say your house smells weird and haven’t they been through enough already since we got a divorce?” I said “Fine, have it your way. Anyway I’m Jewish. I’ll light a menorah on my own for the Holidays.” On the tenth fight of Christmas my mistress said to me, “Stop calling me your mistress. It’s been over a year. Now things are different and I want a baby. Don’t use your wife as some kind of excuse cause you got a divorce! Are you in or out? Be real with me. I won’t waste my life. If you love me introduce me to your kids.” On the eleventh fight of Christmas my new love said to me “I think we should have a party with all my friends. You could finally meet them. Gosh, I can’t believe the size of this diamond. Golly, I’m so glad that you got a divorce! Why are you looking at me like that? Come on, don’t be lame. A party would cheer you up.” On the twelfth fight of Christmas my ex-wife said to me, “Hey, what the fuck!? I thought I’d bring the kids by because for some reason I thought you’d need cheering up but clearly you’ve moved on. Didn’t mean to interrupt such a nice party. I guess we’ll be going.” “Look!” I said, “Don’t go yet. I can explain-” “Oh HI!” said my new love. “You must be Jackie!” “Go inside!” I yelled. “Daddy, who’s that?” “Christ!” I yelled “This really isn’t fair. You said you weren’t coming. You can’t barge in like this and demand explanations. We got a divorce!” “Sorry babe!” I yelled as I slammed the door. “Oh it’s no big deal,” she said passive aggressively.
6.
Oh Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah come light the menorah, Let's have a party, we'll all dance the hora, No one really does that Look, I don't mean to kvetch, But this Holiday is lame and the miracle's a stretch And while we are playing this game no one really likes We'll crack lots of jokes, 'cause we're all funny folks, Yeah the Jews always do it up right, Hey! We'll crack lots of jokes 'cause we're all funny folks, Yeah us Jews, we do it up right.
7.
Some people praise God, go to church and shit Me, I don't believe a word of it They look to their book for morality All's I got is my love of humanity Plus my Acid and Hot Springs It's all I need! Acid and Hot Springs Oh yeah! Acid and Hot Springs Some go to a church, some to a mosque Some people go to a synagogue Me, I like to take the weekend off. Get into nature with the trees and rocks and eat some Acid and Hot Springs That's all I need! Acid and Hot Springs Oh yeah! Acid and Hot Springs Some people will judge and say I'm going to hell But if there's thermal pools below I'll be just swell I never ever talked to a higher power But I have been really high in an ice cold shower, it's nice! So live and let live and go do your thing I'm expanding my mind and letting freedom ring. Just 'cause you could be jailed for it don't make it illegitimate. This is how I celebrate the mystery of the human race Oh, you haters gonna hate but I still got my Acid and Hot Springs That's all I need! Acid and Hot Springs It's not that deep! Acid and Hot Springs

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released November 25, 2014

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Rachel Lark San Francisco, California

💕🔥songwriter and love critic🔥💕
creator of Coming Soon: A New Rock Musical

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